Here is some Police Humor......if you have a good one, send it to me. 

"The Lying Cop"

A man had just been pulled over for a simple traffic violation and the officer approached the car; "License and registration please."

The man replied: "Well, I would give it to you but my license has been revoked and, well, this isn't really my car so I don't know if it has registration for it or not." The officer, trying to be as helpful as
possible, said: "Why don't you just open the glove box there and see if it's in there."

"Oh, it's not in there..." the driver replied. "The only thing in there is
the pistol I used to shoot the owner of this car." The officer, not known
quite sure WHAT to do, ran back to his squad and radioed for the Supervisor and all the back up he could muster.

Very soon, the Capt. rolled up and the officer explained what the man in the car had told him so, the Capt. approached the car and politely said: "Sir, I understand that you don't have a license?" The driver the very calmly produced a valid license. Capt. then said: "The officer who pulled you over said you told him you didn't have a license OR registration.". "That's ridiculous..." said the driver "...I have it here in the glove compartment." The Capt. then asked the driver if HE could check the glove compartment seeing as there was supposed to be a gun in there. "I don't even OWN a gun!" replied the driver. Sure enough, the man had valid registration as well. The Capt. then asked the driver: 

"The officer  stated that you you told him that you didn't have a license, registration, and had a gun in the glove box that you used to shoot the rightful owner with."

The driver of the car said: "I bet that liar told you that I had been
speeding too, didn't he?"

SWAT TROUBLES

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT
team was trying to get him out.

A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or
I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"

The murderer called back, "I'm warning you.  If you
don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll
kill us both!"

I AM DRUNK..........HONESTLY!

One night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through
the streets of Dublin. They pulled him over and asked him if he had
been drinking that evening. 
"Aye, so I have," says Pat. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads went by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those." Pat continued, "Then I had to drive me friend's home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness, couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."
Pat fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey,
which he held up for inspection. 
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, Pat said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

POLICE HARASSMENT

Maybe this should be made into a pamphlet to hand out....

This was taken from a "Community Policing" question and answer via an e-mail forum in California.

The question was:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officer to harass people and get away with it?  And where can you go for help, other than a civil attorney?"

And the answer was:

"It is not easy.  In California we average one cop for every 2000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the harassing. One-fifth of that 60% are on duty at any moment and available for harassing people.  So, one on duty cop is responsible to harass about 10,000 residents.  When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible to try to harass 20,000+ people a day.

A ten hour shift runs 36,000 seconds.  This gives a cop only one second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND find a new person to harass.  This is not an easy task.  Most cops are not up to it day in and day out.  It is just too tiring.

Since you now understand why we cannot harass everyone let me explain briefly what we do to utilize some special "tools" to help us narrow down who we harass, so we can focus our limited "harassing resources" to those most worthy individuals.  They are as follows:

The Phone: 
People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus
on another person for special (concentrated) harassment. "My ex-husband just beat me and my boyfriend up and he is barricaded in the bedroom with our baby and a gun, or "My neighbor is beating up his wife and she is screaming for help" are a couple code phrases that are frequently employed.  Then we come out and give special harassment to the wife beater. Another popular one on weekends is "My neighbors are out of town and their kids are having a loud party."

Cars: 
We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive; They usually ride motorcycles so they can get around fast or cut through traffic to harass as many people as possible in their given shift.  They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration tabs, and the like.  It is lots of fun when we pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious then running a red light, going around railroad crossing arms, or driving 20+ MPH over the posted limit in a school zone.  Sometimes we get to really heap the harassment on when we find they have drugs in their car, are driving drunk, are unlicensed or have an arrest warrant! 

Runners: 
Some people take off running at the mere sight of a uniformed police officer.  Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a trained
beagle on the scent of a bunny.  When we catch them, gosh darn it if there isn't always some good reason to harass them for hours!

Codes: 
When we can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give us
ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called Codes, Penal, Vehicle, Health and Safety, Business and Professions...  They each spell out all sorts of silly things for which we can really mess with people. After we study these code books, we can just drive around for a while until we find someone violating one of the listed offenses and heap on the harassment! Just last week I saw a guy smash several car windows right in front of me. Well, believe it or not, one of the code books says that is not allowed. That meant I automatically got to harass this guy...of course he didn't like it, because just when I got done harassing him, the jail deputies harassed him and that will likely continue until the judge harasses him, then he will probably be harassed by a probation officer for the next couple of years.  It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works very well most of the time.  We seem to have a never ending supply of folks to harass, and we "get away with it" because the good citizens pay the tab for us to keep the streets safe for them...and your civil attorney.

Next time you are in my town, give me a "single finger wave". That is a secret signal that you wish for me to take a closer look at you, and maybe find a reason to harass you.

(I have read the above information in other forms. I really like it so I added it to the site)

TELL THE TRUTH!!

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a
lawyer ever tell  the truth?"

The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

EMERGENCY FLASHERS

A car driven by a woman breaks down on the Interstate one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out
of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench
coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming
traffic and  begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to
approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway
occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the woman yelling, "What the heck is
going on here?"

"My car broke down,"  says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the side of the road?" asks the
cop.

And she said...

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

(ROTFL, thanks Kevin B. for sending this joke to me)

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday, you take away my license, and then today, you expect
me to show it to you!"

"Any questions"--I got this from a dispatcher friend of mine. Not sure if I agree with it, but its funny nonetheless. 

THE DISPATCHER IS GOD!!

THE CHIEF of police leaps tall building in a single
bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster
than a speeding bullet, walks on water and gives
policy to God.

THE ASSISTANT CHIEF leaps shorter buildings in a
single bound, is more powerful than a Switch Engine,
and is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on
water if it is calm, and talks to God.

THE CAPTAIN leaps short building with a running start,
and favorable wind conditions. He is almost as
powerful as a switch engine and faster than a speeding
bullet, walks on water of an indoor pool, and talks to
God if special request is approved.

THE LIEUTENANT barely clears quonset huts, loses tug
of war with Locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet,
swims well and is occasional addressed by God.

THE SERGEANT makes high marks when trying to leap
buildings, is ran over by Locomotives and sometimes
handles a gun without inflicting self injury, can dog
paddle, and talks to himself.

THE DETECTIVE runs into buildings, recognizes
Locomotives two out of three times, is issued
ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed,
and talks to water.

THE PATROLMAN falls over door sills when entering
buildings, says "look at the choo choo", wets himself
with a water pistol, and can never never ever talk to
God.

THE DISPATCHER lifts up buildings and walks under
them, kicks Locomotives off of the tracks, catches
speeding bullets in her teeth and chews them, and
freezes water with a single glance.

THE DISPATCHER IS GOD!!

GREAT THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE ON THE BEAT-- sent to me from Brian

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em.... nobody is your friend."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"That says POLICE, not taxi."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?" (if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"You can't outrun a radio."

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."

"If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."

"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"Bulletproof vests aren't."

"Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"Uh....yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission statement and envision a new
paradigm."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."

"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."

"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."

"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."

"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."

"Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."

"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."

THE DEAD SKUNK

Do you know the difference between a dead skunk  and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

The dead skunk will has skid marks in front of it.

TO THE MOON!

Maybe you have heard this, but it is a true story from Mesa, Az...

Attorney: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?

Officer: Approximately one-half mile.

Attorney: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?

Officer: Yes.

Attorney: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident  that is occurring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all  again just how far you can see! 

Officer: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.

The New Field Sobriety Tests

A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding. The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act,  and he is a juggler. 
The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.  At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are rough!'

TRUE STORIES

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Whew!!! 

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.

The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. 

The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the'enemy' radar and  triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. 

Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.

I'm fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"

Drake's Laws of Law Enforcement

1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash hiders don't really.

9. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.

19. On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot >injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker"holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

25. Drake was a patrolman

A bad day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.

1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?

4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it.

9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

15. Q: Did he kill you?

16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

20. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive  when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive  nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Monkey Business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a  little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"  "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me..!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Aren't you one of the Village People?

Designated Decoy!

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the Breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"

The Alabama Trooper

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the driver rolls down the window, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper drawls, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."

The driver rubs his head and says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on that window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

"Huh?" says the passenger.

The cop replies, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that crap with me.'"

Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching YOU."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,clear as a bell, he heard "Jesus is watching You."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus," 

Top 10 Police Comeback Lines


1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.

2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You". We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!

3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of Smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is Extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

"TRUE LOVE"

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appears in their mirror and obviously wants them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: " License and registration please"

Man:" I'm sorry officer what seems to be the problem?"

State cop : " I clocked you on the radar going 75 mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: " I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you knew it was out for two months."

State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb %^?!* shut your *^&%# mouth."

State cop: " Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"

Wife: " Only when he's drunk"

Defense attorney

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The following saying came from a subscriber in England. He is right, it is pretty similar, even though we are worlds apart. 

Hi.

I am one of your life on the beat subs. from West Yorkshire, England.

I am a beat PC (police constable) here, and apart from the location and the equipment it appears to be the same job with the same problems, highs and lows.

Below is a list of things you do not here often with regards to the police service. It is spot on for working life here, and I imagine it must be just as applicable to you and your colleagues.

Keep up the good work

Things you never hear a senior officer say:

"And this bank holiday we're going to have maximum cover."
"Actually, we've under spent this year."
"You want which day off?, relax, take the whole week."
"Look, I know you're understaffed today, let me take a car out on
patrol."
"I'm on my way to your sudden death assignment, right now."
"We're not interested in statistics, just the welfare of our officers."
"You know, these new management techniques are a complete waste of time."
"Can I get you a cup of tea?"

Things you never hear a CID officer say:

"Of course I'll interview your prisoner."
"That seems like a complex case, I'm sure you're too busy, let me deal with it."
"Oh yes, that sounds like a job for CID."
"I'll go first."
"I'll cancel my grub break and help you out with that case."
"Can I help you with any of that paper work?"
"No really, we've nothing on at the moment. Leave it for us to deal
with."
"There's obviously a pattern emerging here. We'll do some
observations for you."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"We'll be in a 5am tomorrow."
"I'm late shift this Saturday, if you need me I'll be in the office."
"Do you want some CID cover on night shift?"
"Actually drinking interferes with my fitness regime."

Things you never hear a uniformed officer say:

"We have arrested the person who broke into your home."
"No, seriously, I'm very interested in the very personal, detailed and
extensive history of the domestic circumstances leading up to this
incident."
"We've arrested the man who stole your car."
"No, no, I'm sure that's our area, we'll go."
"I know just where I left the cones and signs. I'll collect them before the end of my tour of duty."
"There's no need to put petrol in the car, I've already topped it up."
"Actually, I'm feeling a lot better, I think I'll come in today."
"We've arrested the person who broke into your car."
"That sounds like an interesting assignment, I'll go."
"Actually, I love patrolling with a special, they're a valuable part of the service."
"Shall I monitor channel 89 for the arrival of the helicopter?"
"Would you like me to go to that domestic?"
"You're right, it is a police matter."
"My reports were submitted ages before they were due."
"The thought of getting out of this job early on a medical pension
leaves me cold."
"I find the cold so invigorating, I think I'll park up and do some
foot patrol."

Things you never hear a traffic officer say:

"Actually, you're right, I do have something better to do."
"Now I come to think of it, my radar gun is faulty."
"You were driving at just about the correct speed."
"Of course you can have a verbal caution rather than this ticket."
"I say, we're frightfully busy with this accident, would you mind
awfully, if it's not too much trouble, going that way instead?"
"You're quite right, mobile phones are handy, aren't they?"
"Of course, you can borrow some equipment, take it from my car."
"It doesn't matter that it's not a traffic assignment, let us help you out."
"Of course I can park the car and get out every once in a while."
"I'm too active, I can't sleep in the patrol car on nights."

Things you never hear a dog handler say:

"No really, the conditions are perfect."
"No not at all, we love tracking in the rain."
"Actually I'm just round the corner, I'll be there in a minute."
"It seems he walked away from the scene of the crime, no suggestion
of a vehicle at all."
"It's all right, he won't bite." "Nobody's training at all so there's loads of us on duty."


Things you never hear a Scenes of Crime Officer say:
"I can tell you from the fibers, fingerprints and footprint that
I've found, John Smith definitely did this."
"There's so many prints I don't know which ones to examine first."
"The conditions are absolutely ideal for evidence gathering."
"Yeah, leave it in the office, we'll bag it up when we get back."
"I was really impressed with the standard of your exhibit labeling
and packaging."
"It will be a pleasure to take your samples to the lab."
"Actually, we're very quiet today, we'll be at your burglary in a few
minutes."
"Tell you what, as there are two of us on we'll take a vehicle each
to maximize the number of assignments we can deal with."
"We'll have the results back for you this afternoon."

Things you never hear a controller/dispatcher say:

"It's okay, I told them it wasn't a police matter."
"No need to attend, I've advised them over the phone."
"I've anticipated you and already looked it up/made the enquiry/found
out/contacted the person, etc., etc., etc."
"Sorry, no long list of jobs for you today."
"I've typed up the result of the job exactly as you told me."

Things you never hear a Crown prosecutor say:

"We can't hold the case on that day as you are on annual leave."
"Actually we feel the charge is too minor, we're going to charge a more
serious offence."
"We've asked the court to do the not guilty pleas first so the witnesses don't have to wait around too long."
"You were right, we shouldn't have dropped that case."
"The victims' views are paramount here."
"You're quite right."
"There are ten police witnesses in this case, realistically, we only need one of them at court."
"We've successfully applied for compensation for you."